


strawberries and cigarettes(always taste like you)

by hjsgay



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Character Death, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Sad, Some Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts, don't read if suicide triggers you, jaemin sucks here, seriously don't, sorry renjun - Freeform, trigger warning, tw self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 07:26:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19329886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hjsgay/pseuds/hjsgay
Summary: renjun loved jaemin. jaemin didn't love him back.orrenjun is gone, only leaving jaemin with his old diary and the taste of strawberries.





	strawberries and cigarettes(always taste like you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my favorite renminist!](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+favorite+renminist%21).



14 may 2019  
jaemin stood in renjuns old room, the familiarity settling in. except the days he used to spend here, he was in the safety of renjun’s arms, joking around together or even basking in the comfortable silence that would linger in the air.  
but renjun wasn’t here anymore.  
he felt his eyes tear up at the thought, his brain reminding him that he’ll never see him again, regret flooding into his body, filling up his lungs.  
he decided to light a cigarette.

“which side do i even put in my mouth?” renjun asked, jaemin laughing loudly at him before demonstrating for his boyfriend.   
“i’m gonna light it up, and as the flame hits it, you’re gonna breathe in for me, okay?” jaemin explained, earning a nervous nod from renjun.  
as he lit the cigarette, he noticed how the flame illuminated renjun’s face slightly, revealing how beautiful he was. 

jaemin shook his head, trying to get rid of the memory playing in his mind.  
as he walked to the bin to discard his cigarette, he noticed something on renjun’s desk, hidden under some old drawings. he chose to ignore the demons that renjun had sketched for now, instead moving them away to reveal a black journal. he’ll take a closer look at the sketches later.  
he’d seen this journal before, yet renjun often kept it hidden.  
he didn’t want to invade renjun’s privacy, he really didn’t, but he wanted to know why. why he did it. i fucking hate myself, jaemin whispered aloud to himself.  
the first entry was on the first day of 2018, just a short paragraph about how he wants to keep track of his thoughts and improve his mental health.  
he paged through it more, not wanting to read anything unless he had to, until he saw his name. 

[27 Jan 2017  
OK SEXUALITY HOURS  
i really want to like girls and i mean i guess some are pretty but..may be gay and i think that’s been confirmed by a certain boy i may have a crush on.  
people have said he does some bad things and i shouldn’t be friends with him but they can’t tell me what to do!! anyways it’s NA JAEMIN! not to be gay but..he’s really beautiful and cute! he’s also funny and his laugh is so pretty too. he’s my dream boy.  
he properly won’t ever feel the same because it’s na jaemin but..still.  
anyways hope you appreciated the happy entry for once gonna go daydream now!] 

jaemin tried hard to remember that day, but nothing out of the ordinary seemed to have happened. it was just another school day for him really. he guesses that wasn’t the same for renjun though. 

[3 Feb 2017  
wow let’s try not have a sad entry for once. instead, let’s focus on things that make me happy(na jaemin).  
i finally got the courage to talk to him! he seems to not be too good at science so i helped him and now we talk in classes!  
he probably won’t ever like me but we are friends at least, but i still want to cuddle and love him!! i don’t usually get butterflies, yet he gives me them all the time. and his voice makes my heart go all mushy :D  
also i got 31% for my maths test but that doesn’t even matter anymore today is a good day!] 

despite the tears forming in his eyes, jaemin smiled. he remembers this week. 

jaemin looked up at the board and back at his empty book in confusion. why he took science he had no idea, as it makes no sense to him at all.   
he was so lost in thought about nothing at all that he didn’t notice the presence staring at him.  
“are you struggling with this?” his classmate, renjun enquired. jaemin nodded sheepishly, slightly ashamed that he couldn’t do what others would refer to as ‘simple’ work. yet the boy didn’t seem to judge him on this, instead choosing to help jaemin understand.  
he noticed renjun’s hands shaking as he pointed at something on the board, jaemin grabbing it gently to calm it down. he smirked slightly to himself as he noticed the pink tint forming on renjun’s cheeks. after that day, they started speaking more and more.] 

jaemin doesn’t take science anymore.

[19 April 2017  
i’m so stupid.  
why do i have to have a crush on my friend. god, if jaemin ever found out about how much i feel for him it’d be over for me.  
he has so many girls wanting him, why would he settle for me anyways? plus, he’s such a good friend to me, he cares about me and always makes me laugh, i can’t lose him.  
we hung out today, i took him to my favorite coffee shop and i think i fell for him even more. also slightly concerned at the amount of coffee he consumes but it’s ok because it’s him <3] 

“jesus, jaemin” renjun exclaimed as jaemin sat down with his third cup of coffee this trip.   
the scent of freshly brewed caffeinated drinks lingered in the air, people talking amongst themselves, others typing away on their laptops.  
renjun, however, was busy studying the boy in front of him as he sipped his drink. his eyelashes were long and the way his lips wrapped around the rim of the cup was beautiful to renjun. although, to him, beautiful wasn’t enough to describe his friend. angelic, maybe. he really has never seen someone like jaemin.  
“are you done staring yet?” jaemin asked jokingly, renjun realizing that jaemin was looking back up and very much just caught him staring.  
jaemin’s lips moulding into laughter didn’t help renjun’s obvious blush forming. if only he knew how jaemin liked him, too. 

jaemin didn’t even notice the tear making it’s home on his cheek, too busy being reminded of how much renjun liked him from the very beginning. the guilt formed a knot in his stomach, deciding to light another cigarette to help him calm down.

[29 April 2017  
HAPPY ENTRY HELLO!!  
guess who has a boyfriend(it’s me).  
that’s right, i’m dating the na jaemin. why he likes me too i don’t know, but i’m not complaining.  
i don’t know what i did in my past life to deserve him, probably invented the cure for cancer or something. all i know is he’ll never hurt me, and i’ll never hurt him.  
i finally found a reason to keep living.] 

 

jaemin wiped his sweaty palms on his black ripped jeans, head clouded with nerves. he could do this.   
after taking a few breaths, he picked up the fluffy bear and walked back to the living room, where renjun sat.  
“renjun,” he stuttered to get the boy to look up from his phone and pay attention to the teddy bear which said “date me” on its stomach.  
“its okay if you don't feel the same and choose to say no, but i like you, a lot, and want to know if you would be my boyfriend.”  
next thing he knew, jaemin had been pulled down to the couch and was being cuddled by renjun.  
“of course i’ll be your boyfriend.” 

looking up, jaemin saw the same teddy bear sitting on the shelf above renjun’s old desk. he grabbed it, hugging it tightly. the memories stabbed him in his heart, his regret bleeding out of him.  
“i’m so, so sorry.”

[23 june 2017  
ok this will be a quick entry as jaemin is waiting for me on my bed and i just said i’m going to wash my face, but we kissed. I haven't felt this happy for a long time.  
also, when we were cuddling my sleeve brushed up a little and i fixed it quickly, but i’m so scared he saw. I don’t want him to think i’m weird.] 

 

the two boys were lying on renjun’s bed, soft music playing on renjun’s ignored laptop. they were tickling one another playfully, jaemin’s eyes forming crescents as he laughed loudly. renjun never knew jaemin could possibly look more beautiful, but his face illuminated by the white laptop light made him look more angelic than ever, shadows casting in all the right places. before he knew it, renjun’s heart was racing with the intense desire to kiss jaemin.   
“what are you thinking about?” jaemin asked after realizing the other was no longer playing around with him, a more serious look on his face. suddenly he felt lips pressed lightly on his right cheek.  
“how much i want to kiss you right now.”  
jaemin placed his hand at the back of renjun’s neck gently, leaning in as the pair’s eyes fluttered shut. their lips moved in sync, fitting together perfectly. jaemin smiled as renjun played with his hair, deepening the kiss.  
renjun’s lips tasted like strawberries. 

jaemin lay now on renjun’s bed, alone. maybe if he thought hard enough, he’d be able to picture renjun in the empty spot, smiling at him. but no matter how much he tried, he would never be able to kiss him again.

[16 October 2017  
I told him i love him.  
and i do. i love his smile, the way his eyes hold tiny little galaxies for me to count stars in. i love how he always makes me laugh so easily, how he always knows what to do when i’m upset. i love how kind he is to everyone. i love how he smells like early mornings, how he has made home smell like cigarettes and coffee.  
i love him.  
but he didn’t say it back.] 

jaemin didn’t want to think about this day. he didn’t want to think of when they were lying on renjun’s bed just like any other day and renjun had confessed. he didn’t want to think of when renjun said he loved him, and he didn’t say anything back.  
he knew what was coming next. he didn’t want to read any further.  
but he did anyways. 

[28 dec 2017  
jaemin doesn’t love me.  
we aren’t together anymore.  
the bed is so cold.  
all i have left is the smell of cigarettes and coffee.  
he’s gone and he doesn’t love me.] 

“whats wrong?”  
jaemin noticed how renjun has been more down these past few months. he thought it was just going to last a day or two, but it didn’t and jaemin wants to know why.  
“jaemin, you don’t love me, do you?”  
oh.  
“renjun, i’m sorry-”  
“is that why you flirt with other people all the time? why this relationship feels so one-sided all the time? why i feel like i’m the only one trying?”  
“don’t think like that.”  
“like what? jaemin, you haven’t even told anyone we’re together. shit, do you even like me?”  
jaemin tried wiping renjun’s tears away, but renjun wouldn’t allow that anymore.  
“of course i like you. i like you a lot. i’ve just never been in love before and i don’t know what it is meant to feel like. i don’t know if i feel it with you.”  
“leave.” 

jaemin was sobbing now, feeling nothing but regret. he wants to go back in time and do everything differently. he wants renjun back.

[14 feb 2018  
i miss him.  
it hasn’t been long but he’s already gotten over me. why can’t i get over him too?  
my distraction is gone now. he used to be the only thing keeping me happy. i knew i shouldn’t have based my happiness on a person, but what else was there to base it on?  
i love jaemin so much. why doesn’t he love me back?] 

jaemin regrets everything. he regrets only realizing what he lost when it was too late. he regrets being blinded from seeing his soulmate right in front of him. he regrets not seeing how much renjun had been hurting, not helping him see that life was worth living for.

[29 april 2018  
it would’ve been our one year today.  
i wish it wasn’t like this.  
i wish i was still able to kiss him, hug him, be in his presence and count the stars in his eyes.  
i wish he loved me.  
my old habits are back, now that there’s nothing keeping me from hurting.  
my body is littered with scars, i don’t know what i’ll do when i run out of space.  
the weather will be getting warmer soon, wearing long sleeves is going to get more difficult. but i can’t stop. it’s an addiction now, the only thing helping me feel.] 

how was he so blind? renjun had not just been hurting on the inside, but he had been hurting himself on the outside.  
he should’ve thought more about the scars he saw occasionally, he should’ve confronted renjun about them, help him find other coping mechanisms.  
although renjun had been suffering before they even met, jaemin couldn’t help but blame himself.  
he should’ve done something while he still could.

 

[13 march 2018  
my life is incredibly pointless.  
i’m not getting anywhere. i’m so fucking stupid. i have nothing to look forward to. everything i do is jut wasting time. it’s just the same shit over and over again.  
i’m stuck. but i’ll find a way out.] 

[8 may 2018  
nothing feels real  
can’t breathe. i cant function anymore.  
i’m terrified.  
sleep is no longer an escape.  
i’m drowning. help me out.  
i’m going insane.  
i want it to fucking stop.  
i hate waking up. i cant take this anymore.  
i’m trapped. terrified. someone help me out.  
i’ll get out.] 

that was the last entry.  
he never got to tell renjun the truth. 

it was just like any other day for jaemin. he was at a café, drinking more coffee than he should. he was confused, seeing one of his old friends calling him, but he picked up anyways.   
“jeno?”  
“renjuns dead.” 

jaemin was in so much pain. he could’ve saved renjun.  
he never got to tell him he loves him.  
he was scared. he thought renjun no longer felt the same. he could’ve been there for renjun, he could’ve saved him from drowning.  
but he didn’t.  
he was screaming now, punching the walls, leaving a hole in the door.  
but that doesn’t matter. renjun isn’t here anymore.  
all he had left was the scent of strawberries and cigarettes mingling together.  
he loved renjun, but he was too late.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm really sorry that this was sad but i was using it to get some feelings out.  
> this was my first fic so i'm sorry that it's bad oopsie.  
> please always look out for signs that your loved ones are struggling, don't stay quiet!  
> and for yourself, take care and find alternatives to any methods of harm you may have, always talk to someone you trust and take care!  
> <3


End file.
